I want to be one of those students that teachers tell their future students about. But it's just so difficult.
I want to do things that I love in the future, but these things that I love aren't exactly practical. I want to draw stuff and I want to be part of film crews. I want to learn everything about how humans evolved from tens of thousands of years ago till now. I want to look at a skeleton and be able to tell its gender, its age, its race. I want to learn about the culture and the history and everything about America and Europe. I want to bring myself back to the Medieval and Renaissance times. I want to learn the technicalities of linguistics and etymology. I want to continue learning French.
I used to think I wanted to be a lawyer, but honestly, I can't exactly think on my feet, and whenever I get into intense arguments it takes so hard for me not to cry. I used to think I wanted to be a doctor or a vet, but seriously, I've lost count of the number of times the sight of (or even the thought of) blood made me faint.
I want to be one of those surprise success stories that teachers tell their future students about to encourage them to never give up and to just keep going. But with so many things on my plate, with so many things juggling in the air, with so many inconsistencies in my work, with so many other better success stories around me, who am I kidding?
#1182 you're holding it in, you're pouring a drink
Sunday, 26 January 2014
#1181 we're collecting dust
Wednesday, 15 January 2014
Je me déteste pour être tellement impuissante.
Tous les jours, je reste à côté de toi en te regardant faire de ton mieux. Tous les jours, je reste à côté de toi en te regardant sourire. Tous les jours, je reste à côté de toi en te regardant tomber plus.
Je veux faire quelque chose pour toi. Je veux t'aider à sourire à l'intérieur et à l'extérieur. Je veux te dire définitivement que tu es importante, que tu n'es pas petite, que tu es forte.
Bien sûr, j'ai mes propres problèmes. J'ai des rechutes, je suis pas sûre de moi-même, je pense que j'ai beaucoup de pailles courtes. Je suis pas belle, pas charismatique, pas intelligente, pas mince, et surtout, je suis toujours pas assez bonne.
Mais c'est tellement attristant de te voir comme ça. Je veux t'aider, mais je sais pas comment. J'ai peur que je vais faire quelque chose mauvais. J'ai peur que quelque chose va arriver, et alors, ce sera trop tard pour faire quoi que ce soit.
Je suis effrayée, je suis inquiète, je suis coincée, mais surtout, je suis tellement impuissante.
Tous les jours, je reste à côté de toi en te regardant faire de ton mieux. Tous les jours, je reste à côté de toi en te regardant sourire. Tous les jours, je reste à côté de toi en te regardant tomber plus.
Je veux faire quelque chose pour toi. Je veux t'aider à sourire à l'intérieur et à l'extérieur. Je veux te dire définitivement que tu es importante, que tu n'es pas petite, que tu es forte.
Bien sûr, j'ai mes propres problèmes. J'ai des rechutes, je suis pas sûre de moi-même, je pense que j'ai beaucoup de pailles courtes. Je suis pas belle, pas charismatique, pas intelligente, pas mince, et surtout, je suis toujours pas assez bonne.
Mais c'est tellement attristant de te voir comme ça. Je veux t'aider, mais je sais pas comment. J'ai peur que je vais faire quelque chose mauvais. J'ai peur que quelque chose va arriver, et alors, ce sera trop tard pour faire quoi que ce soit.
Je suis effrayée, je suis inquiète, je suis coincée, mais surtout, je suis tellement impuissante.
#1180 oh tear ducts and rust
Monday, 13 January 2014
fml
#1179 we're not broken just bent
Sunday, 12 January 2014
Relatively unheard-of movies (in Singapore at least) to look forward to and to help me tide through the worst year ever.
HOLY DANG THIS IS A MUST.
HOLY DANG THIS IS A MUST.
#1178 it's been written in the scars on our hearts
Tuesday, 7 January 2014
One rainy afternoon of sorting out, and I've never felt so organised and so certain in my life before. Leaving room for alternatives and I'm still relatively unsure, but at least I'm going somewhere.
#1177 it's in the stars
Monday, 6 January 2014
Whenever I stare at notes I feel like falling asleep currently swinging being ohcrapmathonwedandbioonthurs and arghitsnotweightedanywayletsjustdaoandtakecareofmymentalwellbeing.
#1176 but just because it burns doesn't mean you're gonna die
Sunday, 5 January 2014
School tomorrow ugh.
First day of being a J2 student, first day of the final year in JC (thank god), first day of the (hopefully) final year of Singapore education, first day of hell.
I can totally wait.
In other news my legs feel like they're going to drop off.
Any second now.
First day of being a J2 student, first day of the final year in JC (thank god), first day of the (hopefully) final year of Singapore education, first day of hell.
I can totally wait.
In other news my legs feel like they're going to drop off.
Any second now.
#1175 where there is a flame someone's bound to get burned
Saturday, 4 January 2014
The final two seasons of Torchwood are unlike anything I have ever watched. For both of them, it feels like an entire two seasons of a show being dedicated to one (or in this case, two) of those discussions we always seem to have in LA/ GP, about ethics, morality, science, and humanity.
In the third season of Torchwood, "Children of Earth", an alien species, called the 456, descends onto Earth (England's Thames House, to be specific), and then threatens for 10% of the world's children to be given to them. Later in the season, we find out that this is because to the aliens, the children produce some kind of fluids that are like drugs to the aliens. This, in turn, sparks a flurry of politics and debates, of countries (England, to be specific) hiding secrets from the rest, of the government hiding secrets from the public.
We see the politicians start to label the nation's children, to classify them such that they are able to give the lowest-ranking, lowest-performing, "worst" children to the aliens. Of course, there were some politicians who argued that they should just pick the unfortunate 10% at random, something which reminded me very much of The Hunger Games. But other politicians then demanded that their own children be taken out of the "lucky draw", so in the end, they decided to label the children by their backgrounds and their schools and their future prospects.
In the fourth series of Torchwood, "Miracle Day", a seeming "miracle" has happened overnight. Everyone (all of the human race) on earth can't die. Even if they have a heart attack, or jump off 45 storeys, or are in the centre of an explosion - they can't die. This leads to a series of problems, including the lack of hospital facilities, because people who should have died continue living. They take up the hospital space, the medicine, the facilities, everything. So, the governments of the world decided to create categories. Category 3 means you're normal. Category 2 means you're injured, but conscious. Category 1 means you should have died. And since the hospitals are overflowing and everything, what do they do with the people in Categories 1 and 2? They send them to "Overflow Camps", which are really more like concentration camps than "field hospitals".
Later in the show, we find out just what they do with those in Category 1. They send them to huge ovens to get burned to ash. And this, of course, triggers a lot of questions about humanity. This power to decide who lives and who dies. The categorising of people, because as one character very aptly put it, "people don't just fit into one category".
In all, Torchwood has been a simply amazing 4 seasons. The first 2 were great and heart-breaking, and the last 2 really approached a lot of major themes and topics, from those mentioned above, to really omnipresent, ongoing ones, like homosexuality.
The TV shows I've watched have never made me question so much about humanity before. And I guess, that's the amazing part of this whole show. Although it's a show largely centred around aliens, it relates so much to our own planet and to our own human nature, and that's why I really enjoy it.
In the third season of Torchwood, "Children of Earth", an alien species, called the 456, descends onto Earth (England's Thames House, to be specific), and then threatens for 10% of the world's children to be given to them. Later in the season, we find out that this is because to the aliens, the children produce some kind of fluids that are like drugs to the aliens. This, in turn, sparks a flurry of politics and debates, of countries (England, to be specific) hiding secrets from the rest, of the government hiding secrets from the public.
We see the politicians start to label the nation's children, to classify them such that they are able to give the lowest-ranking, lowest-performing, "worst" children to the aliens. Of course, there were some politicians who argued that they should just pick the unfortunate 10% at random, something which reminded me very much of The Hunger Games. But other politicians then demanded that their own children be taken out of the "lucky draw", so in the end, they decided to label the children by their backgrounds and their schools and their future prospects.
In the fourth series of Torchwood, "Miracle Day", a seeming "miracle" has happened overnight. Everyone (all of the human race) on earth can't die. Even if they have a heart attack, or jump off 45 storeys, or are in the centre of an explosion - they can't die. This leads to a series of problems, including the lack of hospital facilities, because people who should have died continue living. They take up the hospital space, the medicine, the facilities, everything. So, the governments of the world decided to create categories. Category 3 means you're normal. Category 2 means you're injured, but conscious. Category 1 means you should have died. And since the hospitals are overflowing and everything, what do they do with the people in Categories 1 and 2? They send them to "Overflow Camps", which are really more like concentration camps than "field hospitals".
Later in the show, we find out just what they do with those in Category 1. They send them to huge ovens to get burned to ash. And this, of course, triggers a lot of questions about humanity. This power to decide who lives and who dies. The categorising of people, because as one character very aptly put it, "people don't just fit into one category".
In all, Torchwood has been a simply amazing 4 seasons. The first 2 were great and heart-breaking, and the last 2 really approached a lot of major themes and topics, from those mentioned above, to really omnipresent, ongoing ones, like homosexuality.
The TV shows I've watched have never made me question so much about humanity before. And I guess, that's the amazing part of this whole show. Although it's a show largely centred around aliens, it relates so much to our own planet and to our own human nature, and that's why I really enjoy it.
#1174 where there is desire there is gonna be a flame
Friday, 3 January 2014
#1173 deep in my bones, straight from inside
Thursday, 2 January 2014
Bonus gifs from the latest, extremely long awaited Sherlock episode.
(this is so applicable in so many situations)
this scene was gold
and so was this
loving my new Tumblr side column gif (Martin must've been waiting for ages to do this)
and how can we forget the iconic...
and how can we forget the iconic...
#1172 all systems go, the sun hasn't died
sleepy I don't want to go back to school I don't want to start studying again because I'll just end up falling asleep everywhere I don't want all those ridiculous tests that prove nothing about my success in the future I just want to go to school to hang out with my friends and eat food why can't it be like that?
#1171 we're painted red to fit right in
Wednesday, 1 January 2014
Sometimes I think there's something really wrong with me.
I judge everything and everyone. And most of the time, these judgments aren't exactly positive. They're pessimistic, wary, and extremely cynical. And I plan. I plan so much that it's disturbing. Even when I'm doing the littlest of things, I ask myself, "What do I get out of this? How does this fit into the puzzle in the big picture? How will this benefit me?"
When I meet people I don't expect, I usually avoid them or pretend I don't see them, because I don't like small talk. I don't like giving encouragement, or giving comforting speeches, or giving hugs. I don't like giving get well soon wishes, or Christmas wishes, or New Year wishes, or birthday wishes (unless I really mean it), because these days, they feel so fake and insincere and contrived.
I find it difficult to understand how some people can smile all the time, how some can be so caring and concerned all the time, how some can keep dishing pieces of advice, how some can provide an eternally rock-solid shoulder, how some can look at people without judging them.
I think the worst part is that even when I vaguely sense someone thinking the same way as I do, I judge them for it. I go, "Wow, this person is so disgusting. How can someone like this even exist?"
My existence, really, has just been one huge hypocritical lie.
I judge everything and everyone. And most of the time, these judgments aren't exactly positive. They're pessimistic, wary, and extremely cynical. And I plan. I plan so much that it's disturbing. Even when I'm doing the littlest of things, I ask myself, "What do I get out of this? How does this fit into the puzzle in the big picture? How will this benefit me?"
When I meet people I don't expect, I usually avoid them or pretend I don't see them, because I don't like small talk. I don't like giving encouragement, or giving comforting speeches, or giving hugs. I don't like giving get well soon wishes, or Christmas wishes, or New Year wishes, or birthday wishes (unless I really mean it), because these days, they feel so fake and insincere and contrived.
I find it difficult to understand how some people can smile all the time, how some can be so caring and concerned all the time, how some can keep dishing pieces of advice, how some can provide an eternally rock-solid shoulder, how some can look at people without judging them.
I think the worst part is that even when I vaguely sense someone thinking the same way as I do, I judge them for it. I go, "Wow, this person is so disgusting. How can someone like this even exist?"
My existence, really, has just been one huge hypocritical lie.
