so tired of persisting. what's the point when all you know to do is to fail?

you incompetent piece of shit. you cant cook you cant draw properly you cant dance you cant master photoshop you cant finish a story you cant keep things to memory you cant harmonise you cant run you cant do any sports you cant take the heat you cant argue without crying you cant read a map you cant hold a conversation you cant ace an interview you cant stand out you cant make up your mind you cant produce results you cant be honest you cant take responsibilities you cant be brave you cant keep your promises you cant focus you cant stand up for what you believe in you cant lead you cant smile properly you cant take opportunities you cant be street smart you cant think fast you cant be natural in front of an audience you cant be funny you cant be natural you cant be yourself you cant be pretty you cant be caring you cant show concern you cant live up to standards whats the point of all your ridiculous childish fantasies if you cant stay strong? you incompetent piece of shit do you have any idea how much I hate you? youre a bloody failure dont you ever dare forget that

struggling to survive in a hypocritical, inconceivably fucked up world

Note to self.

The start of blocks in less than 3 weeks, CCA is still busy as hell, syllabus is finished yet not finished. It's like they want us to do well but unless you're part of a select few, everyone knows you won't. It's like BT1 is just there for you to screw up and they hope that this screw up will make up wake up and realise what an incompetent moron you are, and then take one whole term to recuperate, then go through the whole process again for BT2. 

Found the ant nest of the ants that have been invading my room for the past few days and more or less Hiroshima-ed it.

Today is a good day.

JC is a huge lie and orientation serves to mask it all up. In the end it's all about how many As you get and where you are on the bell curve.

School has never been more of a microcosm of society.

I REALLY NEED TO DO THIS NOW.

/cue rant/

Disclaimer: if you're really pro-life and hate killing anything whatsoever please close this page right now because you probably won't like what I'm going to say.

So I just came across this retweet showing a picture of a tiny baby in a pair of hands. The caption went along the lines of "This is what we all looked like at 12 weeks in the womb. Legal to kill in all 50 states. Anyone think its not a person? Pass this along. It literally might save a life."

First and foremost. THE GODDAMN BLOODY APOSTROPHE GODDAMMIT.

Secondly. I'm quite certain that 12 week old foetuses don't look like that they look much grosser.

Thirdly. Not sure whether this is true but. Hitler's mother wanted to have an abortion, but got talked out of it by her doctor. If it were true, imagine all the bloody lives it might have saved.

Fourthly. ON AND ON ABOUT SAVING LIVES. What about those women who were raped and got pregnant? What about those women who simply don't want to get pregnant, but something wrong happened with their contraceptives? If you save the life of a foetus, at what expense does it come to the woman?

Bien sur, bien que certains opposants soient simplement concernés avec les droits de l'enfant, mais toujours-est il qu'ils privilégient les droits d'un enfant qui n'existe pas encore, qui n'est qu'un fœtus, au mépris des droits de la femme qui, elle, vit, existe, et a le droit de décider de donner la vie ou pas.

So seriously the life of a thing that has even yet to take its first breath is more important than the mental and psychological and physical health of a woman who lives and breathes and exists? Shame on you.

Fifthly. Just because we all looked like that once doesn't mean we shouldn't kill it.

Let's just say this argument makes perfect sense (which obviously it does not): Serial killers looked like everyone else once. Hell they look like everyone else. But because everyone looked like them once and they looked like everyone once, we shouldn't kill them.

I mean seriously.

Sixthly. I SERIOUSLY HAVE SOMETHING AGAINST THE SAVING THE LIFE BIT. Even if abortion is banned everywhere in all countries, let's face it. Some women will still want to abort. So what do they do? That's right! Clandestine abortions! Which, may end up risking the lives of women even more. So in our oh so mighty and noble quest to save all these poor and unborn cute little patooties that all of once were, we risk the lives of the women who staunchly do not want to have children.

Seventhly. If you're so bloody against abortion. THEN DON'T FREAKING ABORT. STAY AWAY FROM THE ABORTION CLINICS. STOP FORCING YOUR ANTI-ABORTION VIEWS ON EVERYONE ELSE GODDAMMIT.

Seriously, people, seriously.

(must be the added influence of the French article I'm presenting)

I don't know what I'd be like now if I hadn't found so many fandom families over the course of my secondary school-JC life. They certainly have spiced life up so much for me, given me something hopeful to look towards, and the lessons that some of them teach are really, really inspiring. One thing's for sure: I wouldn't be who I am today without these shows.

In other news, guess who just spent 45 minutes drawing a freaking micromeryx.

#ireallyshouldbemuggingforchemorbioorbothbutahheckletsjustuploadthelastofthenewzealandpictures

 Salmon fishing! And look at all that sashimi oh god :D

 OMG AT THAT FLUFF /screams/

baby highland cows are the cutest things ever (well one of)

 Genius brother decided to put the fork over the flame

 super cool German motorcyclist dude

checking out aforementioned motorcycle

 Queenstown~!

 ooh fire alert

 I really love their lupins (:

 ONE OF MY FAVOURITE BIRDS AHHHH

I am look at it it's like yo what's this weird pink potato staring at me

 MORE LUPINS

 smiley dog (:

 ANOTHER DOG (it was freaking cute and smaller than the brother's foot)

 Christchurch... Still in ruins... And the brother mourning over the abandoned-makeshift mini golf golf course

(':

(baby carrier cries)

 Task Force 1 - 27/2/11 - Clear

 Rubble and art monuments still lying everywhere

 The remnants of a building

 Abandoned Starbucks D:

DDDDDD:

 The damaged church ):

Christchurch was seriously haunting beautiful, especially after going around the rest of New Zealand

 EDORA5 wheeeeee
 last dinner! D:

 Torchwood and (endless supply of) Milo on the way back (:

WEST ISLAND.

Okkkkkkaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy

This made me cry...?!

I swear I've never been any prouder of belonging to any other group.

A little more than a year ago I was so excited to find out which one I'd go to. They all seemed so unfamiliar and strange and distant. After four years of being in an environment which, honestly, bit a little bit too much importance on uniformity, I'd nearly forgotten what belonging felt like.

A little more than a year later and here I am. I've never regretted being a part of this, and I'm pretty sure no one else has. Watching from the sidelines has never felt any more amazing.

Thank you, for everything.

So. Bloody. Proud.

Not so much a burning. More like a pushing. Pushing and pressing from all sides. Like sticks and pencils being forced into my head. Like the insides of my cranium pushing against what's left of my brain. Like someone's quite literally trying to make brain juice out of it.

What's burning, I guess, is me. It feels like burning. Nothing sucks more than perspiring for the whole day (from PE till now), from feeling restless and sticky and hot even though I'm in an air-conditioned room, or even though I'm sitting right in front of a stationary fan at full speed. And no it's not a fever my forehead is bloody cold. I've never hated the climate here more.

And light. The table lamp is so bright I have to leave it turned off. My eyes feel like they are shrivelling up when I stare at screens - both my computer's and my phone's. Which sucks for me because pretty much all my todos for today involve staring at the computer screen. Even the room lamps are bright. The lights are all bright. They're so bright. Brighter than my future.

I just want to curl up on my bed (which is currently dominated by a huge stack of clothes waiting to be packed into my cupboard, and a landslide of stuffed toys and pillows, which pretty much reduce my bed to 50% patches of remaining empty space) and sleep, but there's that growing stack

just

                lurking

                                   in

                                                the

                                                             corner.

Return of the headache. Why am I even surprised.

Now accompanied by neckache.

I don't even remember getting such bad headaches before 2013.

Just sitting around (in the heat because the goddamn ac has decided that it will go back to its inconsistent cycles of dying and coming back to life and dying again), doing nothing... And I actually feel guilty about it. Like there's something at the back of my mind (well actually throughout my entire mind) nagging at me to quit this stoning and do something productive. When was the last time I could just stone and stare into space and not feel guilty about it?

When you're not sure whether your exhaustion and perennial headache are due to your slow recovery from an illness, or due to the education system and everything it entails.

what if.

Of could haves and should haves.

Sudden realisation that I am seriously lagging behind schoolwork and revision updating my photos.

 Me and Doctor Who (ohhhh check it out I'm Rose)

 Kiss kiss

 All them sheep

That look of haplessness

"heeeeeelllppppp"

 Dorset Horn ain't got time for yer shit

 Border Leicester looks like an old man enjoying life

 Wassup

 Filming location for the barrel scene in Desolation of Smaug! Although in the film so much CGI was used it barely looked like the place at all == One of my issues with The Hobbit, as compared to Lord of the Rings. Somehow, the CGI all looked so much more... CGI?! Which is kinda weird, since LoTR was produced earlier in an age when CGI was supposedly "less advanced"...

D U C K I E S
 First chopper right :D Brother is camera shy as usual

 Watching the sunset over Mt Ruapehu, Mt Tongariro, and Mt Ngaurohoe (aka Mt Doom), while humming I See Fire to myself (: One of my bestest experiences, together with that night while returning to Bordeaux from Biarritz

I see fire, inside the mountain/ I see fire, burning the trees/ I see fire, hollowing souls/ I see fire, blood in the breeze/ I see fire burn auburn on the mountainside~

 The fields of Rohan

 Mordorrrrrrr /cue demonic music/

Where Gollum went fishing in Fellowship of the Ring (starring Dad as Gollum) and where Faramir stood watch over Gollum fishing in Two Towers

 Check out all them squashed insects

 Where Helm's Deep was built (doesn't look anything like it lol)

 Where Gandalf (Dad) and Saruman (Mom) walked about in Fellowship, discussing stuff

 Where orcs tear down trees in Two Towers
This is self-explanatory (:

 R I V E N D E L L (:

 I'm so short D: (only up to around where Gandalf supposedly is) I mean Legolas is freak tall. And Sauron is like a giant pls.

 Publicity shoot spot for Legolas

 One of them gates?

Overlooking Peter Jackson's studio in Wellington~

 GREEN SCREEN

I was so excited omg

 /hyperventilates/

 trollllll

 Weta Cave is simply amazing

Gollum doesn't like you

 Éomer's armour OOOOOOOO:

 Sauron's armour (sorry for shitty photo quality I was so excited)

 One of the Uruk Hais /cue scary music/

 o h m y g o d all them miniatures such talent

The minotaur

 One of the Nazgûl in human-ghost form

 hobbitses

 hairy hobbit feet

Striking resemblance to my brother's real feet

 THEM HELMETS

"FOR NARNIAAAAA!!!! AND FOR ASLAAAANNNN!!"

 Magical adventure~ :D

 Pigeon ain't scared of no troll

 lol Wellington

(look at the sky, seriously)

 Oh yeah watching Desolation of Smaug at Ground Zero :D #bejealous

Bye bye North Island )':