I just want to break down and cry because a miracle is obviously not going to happen. And the worst part is being unable to live up to the standards I previously set for myself, of making the mistake of flying too high only to fall harder. It's like suicide isn't it?

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Is it natural to find it thoroughly difficult to openly show what you're feeling? To say "sorry" or "thank you"? To wish someone "get well soon" or "happy birthday"? To greet your teacher "good morning" as she walks down the class row every morning it doesn't rain? To show people that you care? To do random deeds of kindness to get them going? To congratulate people? To comfort people? To express surprise when someone tries to surprise you? To be amused when someone shows you something they think you'll find funny? To be delighted when someone shows you something they know you like?

Why do I find it so difficult? Is it just me?

irony in the iron

I've probably already posted this before but



#notetoselfnotetoselfnotetoselfnotetoself

INTJs are simultaneously the most starry-eyed idealists and the bitterest of cynics, a seemingly impossible conflict.

Proof?

a dreamer through and through

constantly swinging between "well it looks as if I've gotten most of my shit under control wow there's a really thin sliver of chance that I can do this" and "there're so few days left and so much shit left undone how am I going to pull myself together in time how am I going to finish everything how am I going to understand and remember how am I going to repeat my successes how am I going to keep everything in line?"

I just find it vaguely amusing how all the personality tests I've ever taken (or at least those that I remember) always paint me as some heartless bitch with only the end goal in mind and without any concern for others.

Thinking Style
Problem-Solving Approach
Deliberation: high
"... you are typically described as logical and analytical. However, when taken to the extreme, high scorers may deliberate over issues or decisions for too long and can be perceived to be slow or inefficient."
Imaginativeness: very high
"... you have a vivid imagination and an active fantasy life. High scorers ... daydream as a way of creating an interesting inner world for themselves. ... you may be at risk of engaging in aimless daydreaming or generating ideas that overlook practical considerations."
Openness to ideas: average

Openness to Variety
Openness to values: very high
"... You often question the purpose of rules and authority. ..."
Novelty-seeking: average
Aesthetic appreciation: very high
"... you have a deep appreciation for beauty in art, culture, poetry, music and nature, though you need not necessarily have artistic talents. ..."

Operational Style
Action Planning and Implementation
Pace of living: low
Order: very high
"... High scorers are neat, systematic and well-organised. ... When taken to the extreme, an exceptionally high level of orderliness can lead to rigidity and inflexibility if one becomes too preoccupied with minor issues regarding order and systems."
Ambition: average

Commitment
Self-discipline: average
Hastiness: high
"... High scorers may experience strong impulses relating to things extraneous to the tasks they are focusing on, and have a greater need for immediate satisfaction. ..."
Dutifulness: low
"... you may find contracts, rules and regulations overly confining, and are less driven by external or societal obligations. ..."

Interpersonal Style
Social Energy
Warmth: low
"... You tend to be more focused on the task at hand rather than on getting to know people on a personal level, which may limit your effectiveness in building rapport with others. However, a low score does not imply a lack of compassion or an unwillingness to help others; rather, it simply means that you are less interested in and less likely to invest energy in attending to individuals and nurturing close relationships with them."
Sociability: average
Self-consciousness: very high
"... High scorers frequently feel anxious and less comfortable in high visibility situations and can be sensitive to ridicule. This may lead you to ... become more preoccupied with people's judgements and how you should respond in the situation. At the extreme, you may feel a fear of rejection and ridicule... you simply tend to be highly mindful of how you come across to others and would thus prefer to limit your social interactions to non-threatening and familiar environments."

Attitude to Others
Compassion: average
Altruism: low
"... As you are not inclined to become personally involved with the problems of others, you generally prefer to take a step back and let people handle their own problems. Hence, you may be perceived to be less helpful than most, even if you may be sympathetic. Taken to the extreme, very low scorers may come across as self-serving to others."
Trust: very low
"... Low scorers tend to be more wary, cynical and sceptical. You are harder to fool as you assume that others may be dishonest and expect hidden agendas. ... you may occasionally read between the lines too much and thus remove a source of help and support from others. ..."
Straightforwardness: low

Pattern of Interaction
Compliance: average
Dominance: very low
"... Your score is at the lower end of the scale, suggesting that you prefer to remain in the background and let others take the lead. You are generally quieter in nature and prefer to adopt a listening role in relationships, holding back from expressing your views and letting others do the talking. Although, taken to the extreme, low scorers may not be able to get their views heard or influence the outcome of discussions, this does not mean that they do not hold strong views or are unwilling or unable to contribute. Instead, you may simply operate more effectively as a second-in-command and be less inclined to openly assert your views or direct others.
Modesty: average

Personal Style
General Attitude and Approach to Life
Sense of mastery: average
Anxiety: high
"... you are more likely to have specific fears as well as a higher level of general anxiety. You also tend to be more apprehensive and tense. ..."
Vulnerability: high
"... High scorers feel less capable of handling stressful or difficult situations. ..."
Excitement seeking: high
"... you tend to crave excitement and stimulating environments or thrilling activities that may involve some risk to avoid boredom. You enjoy the sensation of an adrenaline rush. ..."

Internal Experience of Emotions
Emotional sensitivity: high
"... You show greater awareness of emotions and believe you have the capacity to relate to feelings in others. Compared to others, you experience deeper and more differentiated emotional states and are more likely to be attentive to how others feel. ..."
Frustration: high
"... You tend to be hot-tempered and easily irritated or frustrated at others when things do not go according to plan. You are sensitive about being treated fairly and, when brought to the extreme, may feel angry over minor matters and take offence readily. ..."
Despondency: very high
"Despondency refers to your tendency to feel discouraged and dejected, especially in the face of setbacks. You are more prone to feelings of guilt, sadness and loneliness, often because you tend to focus on the negative aspects of events and situations even if they can be interpreted in a positive way. ..."
Positive outlook: low

every time I think I've finally built my house of cards, a gust of wind comes and everything crumbles

when the days become repeats of one another; when you dream about a future that will never happen; when you get excited over planning happy things but realise what you have to suffer first; when you realise you've drawn the shortest stick for everything; when you hate yourself for making all the wrong choices; when you want something so badly but you can't focus; when everyday feels like drowning in mud; when nothing goes right at all; when you just want to get out but everything is weighing you down.

At 19, I read a sentence that re-terraformed my head: “The level of matter in the universe has been constant since the Big Bang.” In all the aeons we have lost nothing, we have gained nothing - not a speck, not a grain, not a breath. The universe is simply a sealed, twisting kaleidoscope that has reordered itself a trillion trillion trillion times over.
Each baby, then, is a unique collision - a cocktail, a remix - of all that has come before: made from molecules of Napoleon and stardust and comets and whale tooth; colloidal mercury and Cleopatra’s breath: and with the same darkness that is between the stars between, and inside, our own atoms. When you know this, you suddenly see the crowded top deck of the bus, in the rain, as a miracle: this collection of people is by way of a starburst constellation. Families are bright, irregular-shaped nebulae. Finding a person you love is like galaxies colliding. We are all peculiar, unrepeatable, perambulating micro-universes - we have never been before and we will never be again. Oh God, the sheer exuberant, unlikely face of our existences. The honour of being alive. They will never be able to make you again. Don’t you dare waste a second of it thinking something better will happen when it ends. Don’t you dare.

being a girl is so difficult sometimes all the time

comment sépare-t-on la ligne entre l'ambition et le rêve qu'on ne réalise jamais ?

every time I see someone else's face is like having a big punch thrown into my own

• Not threatened by conflict/criticism (nonsense)
• Typically confident and self-assured (nonsense)
• Take relationships and commitments seriously
• Typically extremely intelligent and capable (nonsense)
• Able to leave bad relationships, though they may dwell on it in their minds for a while after (maybe)
• Like to optimize their relationships (whatever this means)
• Good listeners
• Highly logical, rational and practical (am I?)
• Continually search for ways to improve things (no not really no)
• Highly conceptual (I had to google this)
• Strongly value intelligence, knowledge and competence, continually strive to fulfill these standards
• Tremendously insightful (nonsense)
• Quick to understand new ideas (I wish)
• Driven not only to understand ideas/concepts, but to apply them in a useful way (utilitarians few)
• Usually organized and deliberate
• Natural leaders, but typically prefer to remain in background until/unless they see a true need to take over (front absolute no)
• Highly gifted strategists (ultimate joke)
• Able to objectively see the realities of situations
• Adaptable to change when it is for the sake of improvement (nonsense)
• Excellent at long-range planning (more like daydreaming)
• Spend a lot of time inside their heads (truest thing here)
• Desire to organize everything they encounter into a rational, understandable system
• Often possess highly developed intuitions (sometimes maybe) 
• Ambitious
• Value structure, clarity and efficiency
• Generally quite open to hearing alternative ways of doing things and can, in that way, be open-minded
• Great at seeing the big picture (lol)
• Excellent at generating ideas and creating solid plans of action to implement them (what even)

• Not naturally in tune with the feelings of others, can be insensitive
• May be overly logical when responding to situations that require emotional support
• Expressing feelings and affections does not tend to come naturally to them
• Can be know-it-alls, believing they are always right (nonsense)
• Likely to have trouble accepting blame (yesyesyes)
• Continual quest to improve everything can be strenuous on personal relationships
• Tendency to hold back part of themselves
• Because of the non-linear nature of their ideas, they often have difficulty explaining themselves to others (I stutter)
• May often find themselves misunderstood and tend to blame others because of it rather than evaluate their own difficulty expressing themselves
• May have little interest in others’ thoughts/feelings and dismiss others’ input too quickly (sometimes yes)
• May have difficulty giving others the level of intimacy they need (all the time)
• May overlook details (who doesn't?)
• Often quick to judge and express judgments (totally)
• When frustrated, can become/come across as arrogant, elitist  
• May appear aloof, reserved and rigid to others who don’t know them well
• If they do not learn ways to express themselves efficiently, out of frustration, they may become isolationists who are short with others (well.)

a desire to be different people. to escape. to pretend. to not be me.

"school prepares you for the real world" is the biggest lie you're ever going to encounter

when everyone is counting down to the start but you're counting down to the end